I Couldn't Do That To Riley
by Ohfc11
Summary: Lucaya au where Maya is depressed, Shawn isn't with Katy, and Lucas helps Maya. Trigger Warning. Mentions of cutting, attempted suicide, and depression.


Lucaya au where Maya is depressed, Shawn isn't with Katy, and Lucas helps Maya.

Trigger Warning. Mentions of cutting, attempted suicide, and depression.

 _How many sleeping pills does it take to kill you?_

Maya was depressed. She didn't want to believe it but she knew she was. And no matter how many times she looked up ways to die, she refused to accept that she was suicidal.

During a significantly bad bout, she would shuffle through medicine cabinets, Google how to kill yourself, and then end up sobbing until she fell asleep.

She never went through with killing herself because of one thing. Her best friend. Riley.

She didn't always feel depressed. She didn't always feel like killing herself. In fact, she rarely ever wanted to kill herself. Sometimes she hoped or wished something would kill her but she didn't want to kill herself.

However, there were days every few months that she didn't want to live. Days she was ready to kill herself. She got pretty close to doing it, too. Then, she'd think of Riley and how she couldn't do that to her best friend. She'd end up sobbing, thinking she was the most selfish person that ever lived.

But she kept living. For her best friend, if nothing else.

Maya knew how easy it'd be to take her life if she tried. She had knives to cut herself and bleed out. She had pills that her doctor gave her that she could overdose on: Sleeping pills, anti-depressants, Adderall.

Tonight was the worst bad spell she's ever had. She tore up her wrists with her razor blade. She took a few too many pills (not too much to kill her, but enough to make her impaired.) And she probably would have kept going if Riley hadn't texted her.

 **Are you still spending the night tomorrow?**

 _What have I done? Oh my God, what have I done?!_ Maya started sobbing, unable to control the way her chest heaved. _I almost offed myself. Riley would have been devastated. She doesn't deserve to be hurt like that._

Maya had no idea what to do so she picked up her phone and called the first person she could think of.

"Maya?"

"I'm sorry, Huckleberry. Is it a bad time? I can let you go." Maya started to hang up the phone until Lucas replied.

"No, it's alright. What's up? You sound … off," Lucas inquired.

"Um, I'm having kind of a hard night and I didn't know who else to call," Maya admitted. She was ashamed of what she did and for having to call Lucas. She didn't want to tell him but she didn't know if she had another choice.

"What happened?"

"My mom and her new boyfriend are fighting again. I had this weird flashback to my childhood and it put me in a not so fun headspace." Maya wasn't sure how to tell Lucas what happened so she kept it as vague as she could think to.

"What were they fighting about?" Lucas asked.

"I'm not entirely sure. I came in on the tail end of it. But they were shoving each other and yelling. Sammy was in his room blaring music to drown it out."

"I'm so sorry they're fighting, Maya. I know what that's like and it sucks. If there's anything I can do, please tell me," Lucas offered. His parents were known for fighting, too. He called Maya a couple of different times because of it.

"Thank you, Huckleberry. It's helping just to talk to you."

"What was the flashback, if you don't mind me asking?"

"I was around 7 years old and Sammy was about 2. My mom and dad were fighting and pushing each other. Sammy was crying so I scooped him up and ran to my room. We were both sobbing but I was trying to comfort him. I had him in my lap, rocking us back and forth. I tried to hush him and tell him it would be alright," Maya remembered it like it was yesterday. "That was the night my father left and never came back."

"Maya. I'm so sorry. Sammy is lucky to have such a good big sister."

Maya started crying again. She tried to hide her sniffles but Lucas could hear them anyway.

"Please don't cry," Lucas started. "I know it's hard now but I promise everything will work out for the better."

Maya's sobs only got louder.

"I'm almost to your house, Maya," Lucas told her. "Make sure your window is unlocked."

"Lucas, no. I'm okay. I am," Maya tried to convince Lucas. "You don't have to come."

"Too late, I'm already on my way," Lucas stated. "Besides, you need me right now."

Maya unlocked her window before she remembered that her arms were still covered in dried blood and that she had a razor and pills scattered on her bed. She moved to clean off her bed first, hoping she'd have time to throw on a jacket before Lucas arrived.

"Is the window unlocked?"

"Yes," Maya said, hoping she still had another minute while he climbed the fire escape.

The window slid open, much to Maya's dismay.

"I'm here, shortsta-," Lucas stopped abruptly.

"I just had a little spill. It's okay," Maya said in a rush trying to cover for herself.

"I'd maybe believe that if that wasn't 3 different kinds of pills," Lucas started. He slowly walked over to Maya with the saddest look in his eyes. "Why?"

"I-I don't know." Maya couldn't think of an excuse. She wanted to tell him it was a fluke. A one time thing that would never happened again. But she knew she wouldn't convince him.

Lucas walked swiftly to Maya and wrapped his arms around her. Maya briefly stiffened before she sunk into the embrace trying not to start crying again. It was no use though, her tears were soaking through Lucas's shirt.

"I'm here," Lucas comforted her. "As long as I'm here, you're okay. Please stop crying."

"You don't hate me?" Maya asked with tear filled eyes.

"I could _never_ hate you," Lucas promised. "How could I?"

"I almost …," Maya couldn't make herself say the word. "I got so close to …"

"But you didn't," Lucas reminded her. "I would have been devastated if you had, but I could never hate you. And that doesn't matter because you didn't do it. Whatever stopped you, I'm glad for it."

"I couldn't do that to riley," Maya whispered.

"What do you mean," Lucas asked confused.

"I got so close to doing it but then Riley texted me," Maya explained. "I never go this far. I always remember Riley. I could never let my best friend go through something like that just because I was being selfish. But I almost forgot about her. I can't hurt her and I almost did."

"I'm glad you didn't go too far. I'm glad Riley stopped you. I won't pretend to know what you're going through," Lucas told Maya, "But I promise I will always be there to help. However you need me. Someone to listen to you. Someone to distract you. Someone to be a shoulder to cry on. I don't want you to ever feel like _this_ -" Lucas lifted her arms for them to look at. "-is your only option."

"Thank you, Huckleberry." Maya's eyes were glistening with tears. For the first time in a long time she felt safe. Lucas made her feel safe and loved. She knew that she could be honest with him and he wouldn't leave. He would always be there for her.

" _Any time_ ," Lucas promised. "Let's get you cleaned up." Lucas led Maya to the bathroom to wash her arms.

While Maya washed her face, Lucas cleaned the pills off her bed and put them away.

"Will you stay tonight? I don't want to be alone."

"Of course."

Maya wasn't magically better because Lucas was there, but he helped. When she felt helpless, she called Lucas. They talked as long as Maya needed and on the particularly rough nights, he stayed with her. She promised him she'd talk to her doctor about how she felt, and she did. She got better each and every day. Riley kept her from killing herself, and Lucas helped her reach a point where she didn't even want to.


End file.
